I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
