yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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