I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
