I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
