Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
