He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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