Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
