Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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