so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
