college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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