I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
