The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
