some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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