I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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