my mouth tastes like poor choices
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize