I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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