I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
