i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
