Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize