My nipple is on Facebook.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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