I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
