Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
