Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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