my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
