I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
