I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
