I'm passing your future prison.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
