Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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