I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
