He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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