she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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