You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
