Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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