My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I FOUND THE LEGS
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
