new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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