Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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