every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
