Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
As shirtless as possible
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
