i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
