I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
