My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize