I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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