I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize