I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
