He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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