If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
