I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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