I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
