im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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