No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
