I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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