Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize