My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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