Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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