Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
