You just made me feel so damn special
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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