??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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