I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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