Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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