im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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