My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
