I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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