it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
