That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
