dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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