dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
