dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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