Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
