If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
