Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
